Hush

Many of us have heard mothers croon the evergreen lullaby, "Hush, little baby.Don't say a word." Many have read the age-worn "Silence is golden" message on a library wall. If we look back at our lives and trace a line from the past to the present, we would probably find several positive associations for silence, including moments when we wish we had "held our tongues!" The case for observing silence periodically is quite strong - yet as we grow older, we find it is one of the hardest things to do!

The CEO of my previous company, a brilliant psychologist and interviewer used to say "Silence is your friend", when teaching us how to conduct an in-depth interview. When I first started exploring this concept, the notion seemed absurd. Silence? In a conversation? How is it a conversation if I am  being silent - or if the other person is? Isn't the whole point of talking about keeping the sound-waves going? What's the point of keeping quiet when you're supposed to open your mouth and talk?! 

And then it occurred to me that really, if I looked carefully at my most successful conversations, be they with family, coworkers, friends, just about anybody that I could think of - the conversations had been facilitated by moments when we gave each other the space to think, and speak. A quiet space. In these spaces, which an onlooker would describe as a pause in the conversation, the ideas being exchanged got the opportunity to sink into the minds of the people having the conversation. The ideas could be explored more completely, allowing the speakers to think and respond to each other's concepts and perspectives. Silence is indeed 'golden'. If you can find a moment of silence within a conversation or even in the stream of a busy day - you give yourself the  gift of time to reflect and rejuvenate your mind even in that brief moment.
Why then do we struggle with maintaining short periods of silence in a conversation? I think it's because we have an  automatized internal 'alarm response' to silence - the uncomfortable silence that we read about in books or watch on TV. Many of us associate silence in one of the speakers with resistance or blocks - maybe anger, disdain, confusion, disagreement - we assume that someone is silent because they aren't OK with the conversation that is taking place.

I'm working on using silence effectively in my conversations (I am by no means an expert on this!) and I'd love to share a few of my insights on how to use it with you:

• Silence facilitates conversations because it helps us listen - if you can give someone a shot moment of silence after they've spoken, you allow both yourself and them to go over the information that has just been communicated. Often, in such moments, the speaker will come up with another related idea to put before you. And you will also get an opportunity to examine their communication more thoroughly and come up with ideas of your own. All you need to do is consciously maintain a few seconds of quiet time after someone completes a sentence. If it's hard for you to do this spontaneously, you could try saying something like "I see..." or "Let me think about this for a moment..." or something similar to clearly buy a few moments of silence. I'm not suggesting that you stretch this into long minutes of speechlessness - just about 10 to 15 seconds is usually enough.
• Remember that silence is a powerful question - when you observe silence after someone finished speaking, it is an invitation for them to say more - it suggests that you want them to say more and are keeping the space open for them. I've seen this work in both face-to-face, as well as in-person conversations. In the latter case, you can add to the effectiveness of silence by using your body language to convey interest - e.g. leaning forward slightly, using your facial expression to communicate interest, nodding a little to encourage the other speaker to keep going. There's a lot that you can do without so much as going "Um hmm!"
• Try to avoid cutting through someone's sentences - it's hard for many of us to remain silent while someone else is speaking - we feel compelled to voice ideas in the moment they occur to us, even if it means cutting someone off while they are speaking. Interrupting someone conveys a strong subliminal message that you don't have the time to listen to their ideas or that you don't think their ideas are worthwhile.
  
  Have you noticed people speaking faster just so that they could finish a sentence before someone cuts them off? Or how difficult it gets to maintain a comfortable dialogue if both people are ceaselessly cutting each other off again and again? Have you noticed how you communicate and how you feel if someone doesn't give you a chance to express yourself completely?
  
  That said, sometimes it might be necessary to cut someone off in the interest of time, but if you do this, it's a great idea to do this with awareness - saying something like "I'm sorry to cut you off, but I just wanted to say this while we still have time..." or "Sorry, to interrupt you, but I feel this is a critical point that we should look at before we go any further..."
• If you are in a prolonged 'quiet space' in a conversation, don't be afraid to break the silence - but be aware of whether you are breaking it to help the conversation progress with richer exchanges of information, or because you are uncomfortable with the silence and want to say something for the heck of it! This awareness is key to using silence effectively. Keep asking yourself why you are speaking and try and speak when you are happy with the answer.
  
  Be aware of the tone and body language of the other speaker to judge when they're done expressing an idea and would like to hear from you.
• Start by getting comfortable with silence - try to give yourself a bit of quiet time everyday, without anyone to speak with or anything to impinge on your senses. Try and get away from the non-stop stimulation of emails, phone calls, text messages, RSS feeds, Facebook updates - just for a few minutes and practice being just with yourself and your thoughts. Get comfortable with this first. When you can be at ease with silence within yourself, it will be much easier to allow moment of silence when in conversations with others. 

As a coach, silence is my friend as much as talking is. It makes a world of a difference to my coaching conversations as I try to use it consciously. I hope I've been able to help you see why. I'd love to hear from you on the subject as well - feel free to write in whenever you like!