Why compete when you can collaborate?

A couple of weeks ago, I was having lunch with one of my best friends from my boarding school days (we're talking 1996 - 1999). We were in the midst of recalling many pleasant memories when a thought struck me - he and I were from different "Houses" (hostels). If you're unfamiliar with what it means to be in a "House", you need only watch the first of the Harry Potter movies and you will be well acquainted with the concept, at the heart of which lies differentiation and competition. 

Our Houses, being the two boys' Houses, were for the most part of it, arch rivals in everything from sports to arts to elocution. In matters of the annual inter-house championship, the rivalry was sharp enough to cut the air with! Tempers and friendships frayed around the edges as the hormone-fueled dramatics of adolescent males sparked competition for everything from medals to the attention of young ladies. Sure, there were several extravagant displays of sportsmanship and the occasional cheering for chaps from another House, but in the end, it was all about "MY House" winning or not. I imagine it wasn't very different for the girls' Houses when it came to inter-house competitions either. From my experiences across the schools that I've studied in, and what contemporary media portrays - my observations are only describing a fairly normal phenomenon, albeit with a fair amount of rhetoric. But hey - it is my blog after all! 

My train of thought led me to a point where I wondered, what implications these early influences have for our lives as adults. Today, if you do a survey of leadership teams across many organizations, business and HR leaders alike will recite fairly predictable tales of woe about "siloed" units with a visible lack of "collaboration". They will tell you how this is unhealthy for the organization in the long term and how if only it were different, they would be achieving dramatically different business results. And they are right. I have seen this trend in several organizations across industries - Education, Travel, Manufacturing, Healthcare etc. They've all got a common challenge where units and functions end up in covert (if not blatant) competition each other, when really, they should be doing everything possible to co-exist, collaborate and co-create success. Instead of sharing resources, proactively offering support, anticipating each others' challenges and extending help, we often find organizations affected by power struggles between little fiefdoms / coteries, where the micro-microcosm of "Me" and "Mine" can easily eclipse the ultimate mission and purpose of the enterprise. 

So, where does this challenge originate? In my opinion, it has its roots in a certain hardwired pattern of thinking around what it means to be successful, which in turn is rooted in one's early influences. Early in life, one learns lessons around "survival of the fittest", the need to "win your share" etc. This is probably quite pronounced in highly competitive cultures and in cultures where one struggles against a scarcity of resources.We learn this mindset from caregivers, friends, teachers, significant others, colleagues and many other influencers, all of whom have been conditioned in the same way. What we often don't see is a fundamental seed of thought underlying all of this - which is basically the idea that for "me" to be successful, someone or something else has to fail. A deep-rooted concept gets established, wherein what "I" get in my life is only good or worth keeping if someone else doesn't have something as good. If someone else has something better, what "I" have is implicitly worth less - and by generalization, "I" am inferior to the other. To my mind, this is one of the seed thoughts that sooner or later pushes "healthy" rivalry and competition over the edge and leads to dysfunctional behaviors. If you look closely at many situations (personal and professional), you will probably find many patterns of behavior that were present in the competitive schoolboy or schoolgirl, showing up in subtler forms in the adult that he/ she became.

This phenomenon plays out beautifully and visibly in organizations, where individual leaders drive great success in their respective perimeters, determined to succeed at all costs, but don't give any thought  to collaborating with a peer (who by the way is pretty much doing the same thing), regardless of the fact that together they may well achieve something that was impossible for either to achieve in isolation. Their individual ambition to stand head-and-shoulders above, is not just about external competition, it's also about one-upmanship with colleagues. They are vying for attention from 'superiors', that corner office everyone wants, raises, promotions etc. etc. And each time, the concept is of winning something at the cost of another. Sooner or later the leader's behavior spreads to the rest of the team too... and I don't have to complete that story for you...

Many performance cultures also subconsciously promote these patterns because they don't suitably make the real meaning of collaboration understandable, attractive and rewarding. They reward people for "Winning" or "making their numbers" but pay little heed to "how it was done". The key shift in perspective that truly winning organizations drive is "I don't win unless others around me win too!" The idea is to do everything you can and go the extra mile to make others successful as well. Read this beautiful story about a corn farmer, which illustrates this principle to perfection (it recently featured on several forms of social media). You will notice that his wins do not come at the cost of another, but rather they ride a wave of collective success and goodwill from people who could otherwise have been locked in fierce competition with him. 

So, if you've read this far, I want to share with you a few offerings of thought. Some messages that my intuition asks me to share with you - in the hope that these will trigger ideas that you can spread when you feel up to it. 

What I'd like you to do is to think of the following relationships where you might be competing, and see if you can start collaborating instead:

The Manager - Reportee relationship

I've seen some reportee get into unstated competitions with managers because they want the manager's position. This can be because they think they can do a better job or because they simply want the benefits and authority that comes with the role. At the same time, the Managers are locked in competition with their own people, because they feel the need to hold on to their positions and power. After all, they've got to appear superior to their employees, don't they? 

My challenge for managers and employees alike is to play with an alternative, where they strive relentlessly to make each other successful. They do everything possible to ensure that they achieve and exceed their goals as a team. When employees are thriving and the managers are also thriving, it doesn't take long before each gets new opportunities, expanded roles and scope etc. All it takes it for each individual to break out of the trap of thinking that success comes from dethroning a supposed superior. 

The Peer-Peer relationship

This is probably even tougher, because peers can be 'locked in combat' for the manager's attention, approval and eventual succession. But collaborating with your peer can actually be the missing element that gets you success you desire at a faster pace and in a way far healthier than running each other down. Transcending workplace politics, if you consider how sharing with and support between peers creates exponential increases in resources, ideas, creative solutions, the impetus to collaborate will come naturally and you could even end up developing some truly meaningful / beneficial relationships in the workplace. 

And what happens if the peer get the promotion that you wanted? Consider my final two offerings

Trust your Life to give you what you need.

If you didn't get something that someone else got, does that diminish or harm you in any way? It probably doesn't unless it was in some way linked to life or death - like being trapped someone else in an airtight room and having only a restricted amount of oxygen to breathe. 

Often, our deeply ingrained patterns of exaggerated competitiveness trap us in elaborate webs of thinking where we equate events with consequences that don't necessarily have to exist, unless we make our self-fulfilling prophecies come true! 

So if your peer gets the promotion that you also wanted, it doesn't have to mean that you didn't deserve it or that the peer did something underhand or that it was plain dumb luck. You could choose an alternative thought that it wasn't necessarily the thing for you at the moment and you could then choose to believe that your life will give you what you really need instead. Do the best you can do, spread the best in you to others around you and accept with grace the returns that come your way? If a corn farmer can live that way and win competition after competition, who's to say you can't?

And last of all: expand or destroy the imaginary walls of your "In-group"

"Us" versus "them" thinking triggers competition to a great degree, even to the point where entire groups are obliterated in acts of war. Leaving that extreme example aside, if in your own sphere of work, you start looking at people from the lens of "My Company" and/or "Our Purpose" you automatically shrink the number of your competitors and increase the number of your people. If you can start holding this thought in your mind, it will enable to you change the way you approach interactions with your people. Chances are that will show up differently with them and influence them to work with you rather than against you. Like a symphony, you will produce outcomes together, which you'd never have been able to create alone. 

So, drop an old pattern or two...

...and enjoy the Sunrise! :-)

PS - if you're wondering how any of this is related to having lunch with my best friend, here's the answer. Over a lip smacking bowl of Khow Suey, came the realization that we were friends throughout the competitive madness of inter-House rivalry. We shared knowledge freely with each other, sat next to each other even in the midst of inter-House competitions and stayed friends ever since - because we probably realized that the ROI of a collaborative friendship would last much much longer than the excitement of winning a competition. 

One thought away...

Maybe a new thought is all that lies between you and what you desire...

A few days ago, I was having breakfast with a friend, who  was going through a challenging transition at work. His previous role and team had been dissolved recently and it was taking a while for him to get a new role in the organization. There was uncertainty and apprehension in the minds of many people who were affected by this change and he too was affected by all of this. We agreed that I would coach him over breakfast, to help him think through his challenges and get clarity on what to do next. 

My friend's energy was noticeably low at the start of the session. His voice was lower than usual, his shoulders dropped, his back was hunched and his eyes were downcast. We started by exploring what he had already thought of or tried. It turned out that the dissolution of the previously role had actually given him the opportunity to think of what else he could do in the organization. He'd come up with an idea that he liked and was looking for a chance to communicate it to the CEO. However, he wasn't sure of how well he could communicate the idea and get the kind of buy in an support he needed to execute it. When I asked him what the idea was, he explained it to me in the same lack-lustre style, with no visible change in his state. 

Going with a hunch, I asked him to step away from the idea for a little while to do an exercise. I asked him to imagine his ideal future state and describe three aspects of it to me: How would he like to "be" as a person? What would need to "know" in order to get there? What would he be "doing", which would tell him that all was going as it should? When he completed the exercise, there were several points he had to share, but I won't go into the details here. What I will share is that in he put the word "happy" in his desired future state. 

That caught my fancy and I asked him to tell me more about that. It turned out that he felt he would be happy if he could become a better communicator, enroll a bunch of his peers to his idea, sell the idea to a CEO, win a team etc. So quite clearly, his happiness was linked to achieving all of this. 

Fair enough. My next question to him was "What would happen if you started by being happy?"

And then there was silence... followed by a puzzled expression and a "What do you mean?"

I repeated exactly the same question, with exactly the same response and so elaborated the question a little more by drawing a little diagram on a paper napkin. One circle for the "current state" and another for the desired (future) state, with an arrow connecting the first to the second. Under "current state" I put the word "happy" and put a question mark under "desired state". I further explained that I was curious to know what would happen if he began by being happy today, rather than expecting to be happy when all of thse great things happened in the future. 

As the question sank in, a curious change came over him. His eyes brightened, he started smiling, his voice grew stronger and his back and shoulders slowly straightened. He answered my question saying that being happy now would change the way he'd approach all  the tasks ahead of him i.e communicating, enrolling stakeholders, convincing peers etc. As we explored his ideas further, what emerged is the understanding that expecting a whole bunch of people to do a whole bunch of things that would eventually make him happy wasn't a healthy state of mind to be in. Not only did it set him up for anxiety, it also put a lot of pressure on these people to live up to his expectations. Being in this state would impact the way in which he would communicate with them - he would be looking for their buy-in and approval, more than he would be focusing on the great idea he had to share with them. As a result, the impact of his big idea would be diluted. 

So what could he be happy about now? He could be happy about BEING who he is and the fact that he has a great idea. He could choose to energise himself by working on his idea, thinking it throughm detailing it and bouncing it off some people who could further add to it. He could be excited about the opportunity to take this idea to people and the opportunity of getting them to co-create the future with him. He could shift from wanting to convince people, and expecting them to conform to inspiring them to think along with him and share his dream.

The key shift was choosing the thought "I am happy now and I will start from here." rather than the thought "I must start doing blah blah blah, which when successful, will finally make me happy". Starting from a state of happiness made him understand that he is already the person who can do something significant and achieve his desired outcomes. Sure, he'd need some support from others, but being happy in the here and now would completely change the impact he would have when connecting them them. He'd be energized, in control and inspiring, rather than hesitant, expectant and uncertain. 

As the thought sank further in, he actually began to laugh, as did I. I can tell you that he is now approaching his tasks with a completely fresh perspective, putting in place an entirely new way of approaching the future. And I know he will get what he wants... and then some more! 

One thought is all it took.

What about you? Will you choose to be happy now?

Enjoy the sunrise!

You want to be energised?

A few days ago, I was sitting with my CHRO, discussing an upcoming white paper on HR practices in M&A scenarios. As we discussed the kind of insights we would include in the paper, we dwelt on several lessons that the past had to teach us, some of them unpleasant, even regrettable - but many more of them stories that inspire and invigorate us just by the mere act of recalling and retelling them. 

I made a simple observation - that more than tales of woe, there were so many stories about things that had been done very well, things that we'd done right, which we could now record for the future. And immediately her face lit up, she nodded enthusiastically and said "You know what I tell my leaders? I say to them, 'You want to be energised? Pay attention to the positives in your life and in your work. It will give you enough and more energy to fix the negatives and surge ahead!' Otherwise, there is never a shortage of things you can dwell on that will drain the energy out of you."

I think that statement had, for me, unlocked the secret to her seemingly boundless energy - something I had often struggled to comprehend, given that she heads HR for an exceedingly complex organization, with a highly challenging business context and an aggressive transformation agenda. In such situations, things can and do go wrong on a daily basis. People can get on-edge, exasperated, exhausted as they push themselves to achieve what the organization needs. In such contexts, when you see an energized, enthusiastic and enabling leader, you have to wonder - "How does s/he do it?"

Well, this is how it's done. Even as you deal with the multitude of challenges, meltdowns and setbacks, you choose an alternative thought. You choose to remain aware of the success stories and draw inspiration from them. You choose to believe that in the face of all odds, you can recreate successes because you have the strengths and resources that made them possible. I believe that in such a state, the brain can focus on what David Rock, CEO of the Neuroleaderhsip Institute, calls the "Towards State" - which is the starting point of a journey towards positive change. 

For instance, I could very easily be daunted by the task of preparing a white paper on an HR topic that I have never dealt with in the past. In this state I could think of all the things that could possibly go wrong - e.g. Not knowing where to begin, going completely off track, making a fool of myself when I speak to people on this topic, blah blah blah! However, if in the middle of the misgivings, I take a moment to choose a different thought - that I have faced and won in similar challenges with different stakeholders in my previous roles, on topics which I had to learn from scratch - I start shifting to a different state of awareness. I become aware of strengths which enabled me to do something similar in the past and I acknowledge those strengths for the help they will give me in the present and future as well. 

Centuries ago, the saint Kabir composed this couplet:

Dukh mein sumiran sab kare, sukh mein kare na koi,

Jo sukh mein sumiran kare, to dukh kaahe ko hoi?

In sadness, everyone thinks of the Divine (praying for succor) but in happiness, nobody does.

If you can remember the Divine even when you are happy, what cause will you ever have to be sad?

Kabir's couplet comes to mind as I think of what my CHRO said. In the act of acknowledging the positives, being inspired by them and being grateful for their occurrence, we derive a precious source of energy and sustenance that helps us to persevere through our challenges and emerge from them, stronger, wiser and even more charged than before.

This approach isn't that of escapism, where we blot out the negatives and focus desperately on real or imagined positives. It is instead the approach of awareness, where one consciously balances inevitable awareness of the difficulties with an (easy-to-lose-track-of) awareness of strengths and successes. 

And that, my friends, is one of the many secrets to being an energised leader...

Enjoy the Sunrise!

Really Being There

A true coaching presence and mindset is sometimes demonstrated by people who have little exposure to coaching - and as we all know, coaches need their own coaches. A friend of mine demonstrated this  just by making one powerful observation that made the world of a difference to me...

The incident I share with you here took place a couple of years ago. I am reminded of it as I explore what it means to be a coach and really Be there for my clients. 


It was just one of those occasions when things don't go as planned and the air seems to sit heavily on one's shoulders. Something happened that did not sit well with me and I was a little off-colour for a while...quite a while, I should say! I was completely absorbed in some work that I was trying to mould into an acceptable shape after having discovered that it did not meet the intended targets on some counts. Being a little fussy about my work, I was in no mood to engage in small-talk or exchange pleasantries with anyone. Unfortunately, in my case, my face is an open book, it seems, for anyone who knows me even fairly well. I received a hail of enquiries, comments and suggestions from several people - the concerned as well as the amused variety - most of which I answered only half-heartedly or in feigned surprise and denial. Sometimes, when one is a little bothered, it is just plain aggravating if others come and ask the "What ails thee?" type of questions! More than once I was forced to bite back a response laden with a sarcasm, because I knew that the person who would receive them (in no small measure of amazement) meant me no harm! :)

My annoyance continued for several hours...the botheration giving way to a dull, exhausted irritation that would probably breathe its last when I resigned myself to a good night's sleep. However, it was one of the Universe's little charms that ensured that my vexation was shorter-lived than I had anticipated...

I had kept an Instant Messenger on while working on my computer. Suddenly a little pop-up from the lower right hand corner of the screen announced that a good friend of mine had sent a message. Wearily I opened it, barely focused on its content...and then, in just a few sentences, I found the balm I needed for my aching thoughts! :)

All she said is "Vir, I noticed how upset you were in the day and I can tell you've had a rough time. If you think it will help to talk about it, I'm here for you now. You know you can call me and talk about anything". 


My friend just stated in a simple and inimitable style that she had noticed my state earlier in the day and all she wanted to know was whether I was alright. Nobody else during the entire day, had expressed their observation in as straightforward, caring and affectionate a way as this friend of mine did...and without having to spell it out, she made it clear that she was there, waiting to listen to anything I had to say, to ease my cares just with her presence. Reading those lines was enough to take away every bit of botheration in my system. I figured that it was all I really wanted to hear - i.e. someone giving me the opportunity to speak and unload my concerns in a safe, open space. 


Before I knew it, I felt quite myself again! :) I picked up the phone, called her and discussed my issues with her. I told her what I wanted to do... and as I heard myself speak, I found several different solutions to my problems. They had existed inside me, but they emerged as I freed myself up and gave them the mindspace that they needed. What stood out about my friend is that throughout our discussion, which went from a tirade to an exploration of solutions, she remained neutral. She didn't use the usual "Oh, but you should have just..." or "Couldn't you have..." or "But why didn't you...". She just listened to me expressing my context, just asking for a little more detail every now and then. As I looked at the situation from more angles, I made more connections and I ultimately saw enough to figure out what needed to be done!

There are times when you want someone to reach out to you...but you don't want it to be masked in sympathy, condescension or humour. You want someone to make you feel that they're there, right behind you, waiting to support you should your steps falter, ready with space where you can vent, should you feel the need to do so. You like to know that you will always have this option...that someone cares for you and will always call you by your name, even if you lose yourself in the ocean of everyday things... 


This is probably one of the strongest characteristics of a powerful coach - being able to know when the client is going through a challenging situation, being able to call it out, and providing a presence in which the client can find the ability to express himself/herself. It's a lot harder to do than it sounds, but I can safely say that it's possible to get there, with some good examples, awareness and practice.


Cheers!

Hush

Many of us have heard mothers croon the evergreen lullaby, "Hush, little baby.Don't say a word." Many have read the age-worn "Silence is golden" message on a library wall. If we look back at our lives and trace a line from the past to the present, we would probably find several positive associations for silence, including moments when we wish we had "held our tongues!" The case for observing silence periodically is quite strong - yet as we grow older, we find it is one of the hardest things to do!

The CEO of my previous company, a brilliant psychologist and interviewer used to say "Silence is your friend", when teaching us how to conduct an in-depth interview. When I first started exploring this concept, the notion seemed absurd. Silence? In a conversation? How is it a conversation if I am  being silent - or if the other person is? Isn't the whole point of talking about keeping the sound-waves going? What's the point of keeping quiet when you're supposed to open your mouth and talk?! 

And then it occurred to me that really, if I looked carefully at my most successful conversations, be they with family, coworkers, friends, just about anybody that I could think of - the conversations had been facilitated by moments when we gave each other the space to think, and speak. A quiet space. In these spaces, which an onlooker would describe as a pause in the conversation, the ideas being exchanged got the opportunity to sink into the minds of the people having the conversation. The ideas could be explored more completely, allowing the speakers to think and respond to each other's concepts and perspectives. Silence is indeed 'golden'. If you can find a moment of silence within a conversation or even in the stream of a busy day - you give yourself the  gift of time to reflect and rejuvenate your mind even in that brief moment.
Why then do we struggle with maintaining short periods of silence in a conversation? I think it's because we have an  automatized internal 'alarm response' to silence - the uncomfortable silence that we read about in books or watch on TV. Many of us associate silence in one of the speakers with resistance or blocks - maybe anger, disdain, confusion, disagreement - we assume that someone is silent because they aren't OK with the conversation that is taking place.

I'm working on using silence effectively in my conversations (I am by no means an expert on this!) and I'd love to share a few of my insights on how to use it with you:

• Silence facilitates conversations because it helps us listen - if you can give someone a shot moment of silence after they've spoken, you allow both yourself and them to go over the information that has just been communicated. Often, in such moments, the speaker will come up with another related idea to put before you. And you will also get an opportunity to examine their communication more thoroughly and come up with ideas of your own. All you need to do is consciously maintain a few seconds of quiet time after someone completes a sentence. If it's hard for you to do this spontaneously, you could try saying something like "I see..." or "Let me think about this for a moment..." or something similar to clearly buy a few moments of silence. I'm not suggesting that you stretch this into long minutes of speechlessness - just about 10 to 15 seconds is usually enough.
• Remember that silence is a powerful question - when you observe silence after someone finished speaking, it is an invitation for them to say more - it suggests that you want them to say more and are keeping the space open for them. I've seen this work in both face-to-face, as well as in-person conversations. In the latter case, you can add to the effectiveness of silence by using your body language to convey interest - e.g. leaning forward slightly, using your facial expression to communicate interest, nodding a little to encourage the other speaker to keep going. There's a lot that you can do without so much as going "Um hmm!"
• Try to avoid cutting through someone's sentences - it's hard for many of us to remain silent while someone else is speaking - we feel compelled to voice ideas in the moment they occur to us, even if it means cutting someone off while they are speaking. Interrupting someone conveys a strong subliminal message that you don't have the time to listen to their ideas or that you don't think their ideas are worthwhile.
  
  Have you noticed people speaking faster just so that they could finish a sentence before someone cuts them off? Or how difficult it gets to maintain a comfortable dialogue if both people are ceaselessly cutting each other off again and again? Have you noticed how you communicate and how you feel if someone doesn't give you a chance to express yourself completely?
  
  That said, sometimes it might be necessary to cut someone off in the interest of time, but if you do this, it's a great idea to do this with awareness - saying something like "I'm sorry to cut you off, but I just wanted to say this while we still have time..." or "Sorry, to interrupt you, but I feel this is a critical point that we should look at before we go any further..."
• If you are in a prolonged 'quiet space' in a conversation, don't be afraid to break the silence - but be aware of whether you are breaking it to help the conversation progress with richer exchanges of information, or because you are uncomfortable with the silence and want to say something for the heck of it! This awareness is key to using silence effectively. Keep asking yourself why you are speaking and try and speak when you are happy with the answer.
  
  Be aware of the tone and body language of the other speaker to judge when they're done expressing an idea and would like to hear from you.
• Start by getting comfortable with silence - try to give yourself a bit of quiet time everyday, without anyone to speak with or anything to impinge on your senses. Try and get away from the non-stop stimulation of emails, phone calls, text messages, RSS feeds, Facebook updates - just for a few minutes and practice being just with yourself and your thoughts. Get comfortable with this first. When you can be at ease with silence within yourself, it will be much easier to allow moment of silence when in conversations with others. 

As a coach, silence is my friend as much as talking is. It makes a world of a difference to my coaching conversations as I try to use it consciously. I hope I've been able to help you see why. I'd love to hear from you on the subject as well - feel free to write in whenever you like! 

Notice Something Good? Well, Then Say Something!

In India, we celebrate Teacher's Day on the 5th of September, the birthday of Dr. S. Radhakrishnan, a great scholar and teacher  who was also the President of India between 1962 and 1967. Teacher's Day is meant to celebrate the impact that teachers have on the lives of their students - their contribution to hundred's of lives that pass through the doors of their classrooms and schools.

While growing up, this day was always a matter of great excitement for us. We'd make hand-painted cards for our teachers, there'd be a bunch of fun activities in school, special food and snacks etc. In college too, the celebration of Teacher's Day continued, with the professors putting up performances of all kinds - dance, music, theater, elocution etc. The day was about acknowledging the presence and contribution of the teachers in our lives.

Somewhere along the way, as adulthood took over, I think many of us lost this...

It's easy to fall into the current of adult life - work, family, relationships etc. etc. - and let it carry us relentlessly forward, with no time or energy to look back or even think about the people and influences that we've left behind. I don't mean to suggest that we should live in the past - what I offer is a suggestion that we remain aware of who and what has played a role in shaping the people that we are in the present moment. This awareness has the ability to both release the grip of negative influences and strengthen the contribution of positive influences on our lives. And here's an example of the latter...

Early in the morning, on Teacher's Day 2011, I suddenly found myself in possession of the phone number of Mrs. Lal, my third grade class-teacher - someone I hadn't seen since 1996, when I left the school she teaches at. How I got the number is a long story that I might relate at another time - for now, let's stick with the fact that I found it!

As I entered her number in my phone, I found myself rushing through memories that I hadn't visited since - well forever, it seems! There was Mrs. Lal, welcoming me on the first day of school - her face wreathed in a bright smile, full of kindness and comfort. There was Mrs. Lal handing out little seeds that we all had to press into a large pot of soil, that would burst into a gorgeous plant a over our summer vacations. There was Mrs. Lal rapping a piece of chalk smartly on the blackboard, making us understand that sound travels in waves... and so many other memories. But the one that stood out most for me was Mrs. Lal, sitting next to me and helping me through a picture book that told a story about two gorillas. I remembered her sitting on a little chair and patiently introducing me to the wonder of the written word, firing my imagination with explanations accentuated by her naturally expressive face. I realised, most powerfully in that moment of remembrance, that Mrs. Lal had given me an incredible gift, during the time that I spent in her class. The gift of reading - and a love for the written word. Books are my inseparable companions till today and as you can tell, I love writing too! It was in Mrs. Lal's class that we I first got introduced to stories and the fact that we could create them just as easily as we could listen to them.

Within minutes I found myself typing a text message to her - telling her that years ago, had it not been for her, a chubby little fellow (now a still chubby man) would never have picked up his love for books and learning - and I asked her to guess who I might be. A short while after, there came a reply from her with an insight that meant a lot to me.

She wrote back saying that while she could not guess who I was, the little message I sent was the best greeting she had received that day - and it made the last so-many years relevant.

I was amazed - nothing had suggested to me that the little acknowledgement I was sending her would have meant so much! It was something that I did on impulse - guided completely by the heart. I had not stopped for a moment to anticipate what relevance it might have to her apart from the usual feel-good factor of an old student getting in touch again. Her message made me think otherwise!

I called her at once. We connected beautifully and there was no mistaking the warmth and happiness in our voices. Mrs. Lal sounded exactly the same, her voice bringing back yet more memories if the days gone by. Once we had gotten over the excitement of me introducing myself and telling her about what I do today, Mrs. Lal told me that my message had made her feel like her life and contribution had had effects in the long term - at a time when, after so many years of teaching, she was looking back at her life and reflecting on what impact she might have had. It felt wonderful to hear her say that - worded so simply, gracefully...

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Needless to say, I'm deeply grateful for the fact that I got in touch with her that day. Life gave us an opportunity to reconnect after so many years and in that simple, affectionate interaction, I saw a great example of the power of acknowledgement. All I really did was reach to acknowledge the impact that Mrs. Lal had on my life - and not even entirely conscious of what I was doing at the time. And yet, that message meant so much to her. It gave her a perspective on what she had done for her student because it celebrated one of the best things about her - the fact that she is a wonderful teacher and has helped hundreds of children move ahead with their lives.

As I went over these insights, I felt more than ever that in Coaching, acknowledgement is a wonderful gift to be able to give a client. In a coaching session, I listen to what the client is saying and not saying - I see areas of strength, initiative, effort, hope that are sometimes eclipsed by the issue being dealt with. It is these resources that I bring up to the client's attention, to show them how much they have within themselves to deal with the issues at hand. Acknowledgement is one of the keys to unlocking awareness - it's not flattery, it's respect. It's about getting clients to respect their potential and use it with awareness.

A simple acknowledgement did so much for my Class 3 teacher - it can do the same for anyone you are speaking with at any time. Sincerity and attentiveness are the only prerequisites.

Something I want to leave you with: Who would you like to acknowledge for the impact they have had on your life? How comfortable are you with the idea of acknowledging them? What do you want to say? And when are you going to say it. If I may suggest it, now's the time!

Leaping Off a Roof

Every morning, when I wake up, I feel grateful for that fact that my room has an attached balcony that faces exactly east. When I walk out on it, I stare right into the face of a beaming sunrise and smile back, letting the warmth and the light soak in. It's wonderful to begin the day with gratitude for everything I have in my life - especially the Light which makes me See.

On one such morning, as I stood on the balcony enjoying Bangalore's brilliant weather, I observed something that has stayed with me since. It made a huge difference to my learning as a person and as a Coach. Recently, it also emerged spontaneously in a coaching session with a client and facilitated insights that helped to shift our perspectives on the issues that we were dealing with. I'd love to share it with you in this space. 

What I saw was a squirrel - a brown, furry little bundle of energy, milling about madly on the the rooftop of the house that faces mine. The rooftop was quite bare, but the squirrel was running about it like a thing possessed, exploring every inch of it - every slope, every tile. It's manner of doing this seemed so random and disorganized that I watched in complete amusement - marveling at its speed and vigor - much in the same way as I watch a toddler babble incessantly with a new-found gift of speech!

And then I realized that there was a method to the little squirrel's madness. It was doing something that suddenly made sense to me. You see, as much as it milled about on the rooftop, it kept running up to the edge, appearing to be looking for something. From any part of the roof, it would suddenly dart towards the edge with shocking speed and come to a dead halt the moment it touched the edge - just when I was convinced its momentum would carry it over. What in the world did it want to do? 

The realization hit me - it wanted to get out of there - it wanted to jump! But how, I wondered? It had probably climbed onto the roof from the ground, using the pipes that line the house - but I couldn't imagine it jumping off - everything it could possibly hope to reach, seemed so far off to me! "Poor thing!" I thought "Get back to the pipes and climb down!" But no, the little creature was clearly set on trying something different. It seemed to have zoomed in on one spot - a spot that it kept revisiting, to look upwards with a quick jerk - as if judging something. As I followed its movements I realized it was staring at the tip of a branch, preparing to leap at it. "NO!" I thought. "You'll never make it, little one! Please don't jump! You could get hurt!" 

And yet it did - it spun around, darted to a spot from where it would start the run, sped forward to the edge, paused for just a moment and then leaped... It stayed in the air for one long, heart-stopping moment - this frail, delicate little creature, stretched out in the air, against the morning sky - and then it landed. Plumb on the tip of that branch, clinging on with jubilant energy, bending the thin branch forward for a bit. I could almost 'hear' its exultation before it vanished into the foliage with a happy squeak.

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"The Squirrel's Leap" as I call it, spoke volumes to me about taking a risk. Doing something that we want to do in core of our beings, even if an onlooker or society or even our our own conditioning says we shouldn't. It's about taking the "leap of faith" - following our hearts and intuition. 

While coaching, the memory of this incident becomes a symbol of following my instinct when working with a client. It reminds me to follow my gut when asking questions and BEING with the client, i.e. present with every fiber of myself. Sometimes I ask a question that takes me to a different "platform" with the client - exploring a different avenue - just like the squirrel had to leave the platform of the rooftop. I have to follow my instinct and go where my heart leads me in the session. The faith with which I make this leap is faith that I will get somewhere because I care for the client I am coaching and that this care will take me forward with the session. I've never seen this fail till date. Breakthroughs happen when we least expect it.

The squirrel is a symbol of taking risks - joyfully. It's about leaving the known, to explore to unknown with excitement. It's about seeing what's there to explore in the given moment and going out there to explore it with enthusiasm. Sometimes this means venturing into a completely different space - and sometimes it's just about doing things differently right where you are. You need to take a call based on your instinct - and trust it to begin with!

Those were my insights - sourced from a little squirrel on a gorgeous sunny morning. I'd love to hear what comes up for you. Feel free to write in!

Parting words - Jump! Try something new - open yourself to experience - you're going to love it!