The incident I share with you here took place a couple of years ago. I am reminded of it as I explore what it means to be a coach and really Be there for my clients.
It was just one of those occasions when things don't go as planned and the air seems to sit heavily on one's shoulders. Something happened that did not sit well with me and I was a little off-colour for a while...quite a while, I should say! I was completely absorbed in some work that I was trying to mould into an acceptable shape after having discovered that it did not meet the intended targets on some counts. Being a little fussy about my work, I was in no mood to engage in small-talk or exchange pleasantries with anyone. Unfortunately, in my case, my face is an open book, it seems, for anyone who knows me even fairly well. I received a hail of enquiries, comments and suggestions from several people - the concerned as well as the amused variety - most of which I answered only half-heartedly or in feigned surprise and denial. Sometimes, when one is a little bothered, it is just plain aggravating if others come and ask the "What ails thee?" type of questions! More than once I was forced to bite back a response laden with a sarcasm, because I knew that the person who would receive them (in no small measure of amazement) meant me no harm! :)
My annoyance continued for several hours...the botheration giving way to a dull, exhausted irritation that would probably breathe its last when I resigned myself to a good night's sleep. However, it was one of the Universe's little charms that ensured that my vexation was shorter-lived than I had anticipated...
I had kept an Instant Messenger on while working on my computer. Suddenly a little pop-up from the lower right hand corner of the screen announced that a good friend of mine had sent a message. Wearily I opened it, barely focused on its content...and then, in just a few sentences, I found the balm I needed for my aching thoughts! :)
All she said is "Vir, I noticed how upset you were in the day and I can tell you've had a rough time. If you think it will help to talk about it, I'm here for you now. You know you can call me and talk about anything".
My friend just stated in a simple and inimitable style that she had noticed my state earlier in the day and all she wanted to know was whether I was alright. Nobody else during the entire day, had expressed their observation in as straightforward, caring and affectionate a way as this friend of mine did...and without having to spell it out, she made it clear that she was there, waiting to listen to anything I had to say, to ease my cares just with her presence. Reading those lines was enough to take away every bit of botheration in my system. I figured that it was all I really wanted to hear - i.e. someone giving me the opportunity to speak and unload my concerns in a safe, open space.
Before I knew it, I felt quite myself again! :) I picked up the phone, called her and discussed my issues with her. I told her what I wanted to do... and as I heard myself speak, I found several different solutions to my problems. They had existed inside me, but they emerged as I freed myself up and gave them the mindspace that they needed. What stood out about my friend is that throughout our discussion, which went from a tirade to an exploration of solutions, she remained neutral. She didn't use the usual "Oh, but you should have just..." or "Couldn't you have..." or "But why didn't you...". She just listened to me expressing my context, just asking for a little more detail every now and then. As I looked at the situation from more angles, I made more connections and I ultimately saw enough to figure out what needed to be done!
There are times when you want someone to reach out to you...but you don't want it to be masked in sympathy, condescension or humour. You want someone to make you feel that they're there, right behind you, waiting to support you should your steps falter, ready with space where you can vent, should you feel the need to do so. You like to know that you will always have this option...that someone cares for you and will always call you by your name, even if you lose yourself in the ocean of everyday things...
This is probably one of the strongest characteristics of a powerful coach - being able to know when the client is going through a challenging situation, being able to call it out, and providing a presence in which the client can find the ability to express himself/herself. It's a lot harder to do than it sounds, but I can safely say that it's possible to get there, with some good examples, awareness and practice.
Cheers!
